What's at the grocery store

This evening I wandered over to the grocery store across the street to pick up some beer (I was in the mood for a brew); I don’t think I’ve actually ever purchased any malted beverage at "John Brooks", but there’s always a first time I guess. Out of curiosity, I wandered down the cold case to the "swill" section to see if they still sell some of the budget brands I remember so fondly stocking at Safeway. For $6.59, you can pick up a half rack of Hamm’s Light or Premium (I was shocked to find that the Premium was the same price as the Light! Are they crazy? I’m surprised they haven’t gone out of business yet!)....you may remember Hamm’s as "From the Land of Sky Blue Water". They still have that slogan, but I think they got rid of the cartoon bear. If you’re feeling a bit spendy, for only 50 cents more you can upgrade yourself to Pabst or Schaefer (as an aside, Pabst sells their beer in China....it’s pretty much the worst beer I’ve ever had). But then, if it’s a special occasion, you can splurge on Old Milwaukee (only $8.99/12 pack). If that’s a bit rich for your blood, Milwaukee’s Best is only $7.99 for the half rack. Not only is it the "Best", it’s also a whole $1.00 less than its competitor. How can you go wrong!

My theory is that all of these beers are exactly the same, except for the label on the can. They’re all brewed at one of a handful of breweries, along with the other similar beers such as Olympia, Schlitz, Animal Beer (a.k.a. Schmidt), etc. Can anyone seriously tell the difference between these? I think there’s an experiment brewing (no pun intended) here.

As I was leaving the store, I walked past the security guard; he was standing on the sidewalk, having a smoke. Except it wasn’t the normal kind of tobacco. My feeling is that it wouldn’t be too hard to slip a few items past this guy.

In case you're wondering, I bought some "Bridgeport IPA". Those other beers are for comedic effect, not for drinking.