A slow news weekend

On Friday, I went to a comedy club (somebody at work had free tickets); this was only my second trip to such an establishment. Comedian #1 was OK….his act was definitely inspired by Dennis Miller (he even sounded a bit like the guy). The headliner was definitely talented, with good timing and plenty of skilled impersonations (in addition to some tight guitar playing in one of his bits), but some of his act was a bit tired. How many times have you heard a joke about calling customer service, and getting a guy in India? Also, playing the “gay impersonation” card is a bit old. Finally, he did a segment on Minnesota accents, but his accent wasn’t that good. I’d give him a 6 out of 10.

Other news: I bought a new yo-yo yesterday. I had to order it on the Internet, since I don’t know anyplace around ABQ to buy a bearing-shaft trick yo-yo. Did you know that you can spend almost $100 dollars on a yo-yo? (I didn’t spend nearly that much, of course……I have to save my money for my $40 haircuts).

Not much else going on. I’ve been watching season 2 of the “Rockford Files”. Also, since I finished my book on lobsters, I started a book on the social/historical impact of bananas in America.

Greetings to my fellow Haplorrhina

Today I took great joy in telling people about the Slow Loris; it looks like I’ve picked up a new obsession. For a brief moment, it looked like it was going to be Lobsters (I’m almost done with “The Secret Life of Lobsters”….just as I suspected, it turns out that Maine is now controlled by a society of hybrid Lobster people…that’s the ‘secret’ part of their life) but now my friends of the genus Nycticebus have taken their place as one of my favorite animals (overall, monkeys are still funnier, but they lose a few notches for not being venomous). And to those who say Bush Babies are cuter: truly the Slow Loris is king of all Strepsirrhini primates! (FYI…the opposite of “Strepsirrhini” is “Haplorrhini”…that refers to us, as well as apes and monkeys. I’ll reveal the meaning of these words, which I think are interesting vocabulary, in a future entry, perhaps when I can’t think of anything clever to say. Also, maybe I can find the correct spelling for these words….I’ve looked a few places only to find a few different variations.)

Mammals to avoid in addition to Grizzly Bears

Saturday night saw the topic of platypuses come up; someone claimed that they were the only venomous mammal (the male platypus as poisonous claws on their hind feet). Of course, I’ve investigated further and found that there are actually several mammals that are poisonous. In addition to three or four species of shrews and a shrew-like mammal called a Solenodon, the Slow Loris is also poisonous. For those not up on their zoology, the Slow Loris is a primitive primate that lives in Southeast Asia. The Slow Loris excretes a toxin from a gland near its elbow, making them excellent Roller Derby competitors.

The Slow Loris is very cute, but from what I read, they’re a bit vicious. I think "Slow Loris" would make an excellent band name.

A new neighborhood dining selection

There’s a new taco wagon in the neighborhood, and this weekend I had to go and give it a try. Very authentic; the menu was in Spanish and contained several items that I was not familiar with (although tripitas was one of the taco items….I’ve had this while in Mexico…I’ll leave the specific identity of the ingredient to your imagination). I ordered a burrito, but the lady in the wagon didn’t understand what I said; she turned to talk to her coworker and appeared to have a brief conversation about what I wanted. They then presented a plate with samples of two items for me to choose from in order to avoid any language difficulties. I had the “bistec”, which is some sort of marinated beef. Of course, I was asked if I wanted the chile on the side because I’m not Hispanic. Next time this happens, I’m going to reply “Actually, instead of chile, could I get pickled herring on that burrito?” (pickled herring being about the whitest food I can think of). The burrito was good, and only $2.50 for a small but adequate meal.

The taco wagon is located in front of a bar around the corner from me; most nights loud music can be heard even as far away as outside my apartment (about a block away). An ex-neighbor didn’t like the constant “oom-pah-pah” noise, and complained to the city about the bar several times. He was rewarded by someone leaving a pipe bomb on his truck……no one was hurt, but the truck was in the body shop for a few weeks.

Here’s a picture of the taco wagon, in front of the terrorist bar.



And here’s a miscellaneous picture of my back yard.



The TV pick of the weekend was “Grizzly Man”, a documentary about Timothy Treadwell, the guy who lived amongst the bears in Alaska for 13 seasons only to be eaten by one (he didn’t die alone, however……his girlfriend shared the same fate). Treadwell was definitely a nut; on his video footage, he seems completely manic.

How to get my ass kicked by men in tights

For quite a while I’ve thought it would be funny to get a group of friends together, dress in Star Trek uniforms, and then attend a Renaissance Fair(e). If anyone asked us what we’re doing in out-of-period dress, we could tell them that our ship was caught in a space-time anomaly and was sent back to Earth, ca. 15th century. I could get into some Captain Kirk-like fights against guys with swords; I hear that even the heaviest plate armor is no match for the Vulcan nerve pinch.

There is a minor precedence for this: in the episode of “Triumph the Insult Comedy Dog” where Triumph makes fun of Star Wars fans standing in line for the opening of one of the Star Wars movies, a guy dressed as Spock arrives and flips everyone off. Hopefully the Renaissance Faire people would have more of a sense of humor.

OK, I know some of you are wondering, where is the monkey in this scheme? Well, I could get a monkey-sized Star Trek uniform, and train a monkey to go up to people and scan them with a “tricorder”. When the person being scanned acts surprised, I could explain “Do not be afraid. My science officer is making standard readings so that we might better understand the biology of your species. However, I recommend not making any aggressive moves, as Mr. Tibbles may throw his feces at you if alarmed”.

This week was the second episode of “Project Runway”. Last week, if you recall, I mentioned a certain designer that I found very annoying. He lost this week, and I felt really bad for him. In an interview clip, he talked about how his mother told him that he’d never be a designer and how he was going to use “Project Runway” to prove to his mother that he could make it in the fashion industry. It seems he has some serious issues, and his arrogance is just a façade. However, his gown design was horrible….it looked like furry earthworms were crawling across the model’s chest.

I haven’t been getting much feedback lately, so I hope that people are enjoying the blog. If there is anything in particular that you’d like me to write about, I take requests.

Another use for your dictionary besides Scrabble

I’ve invented a new internet gambling game. Unlike other games-of-chance, however, no money actually travels over the internet, making the game perfectly legal. Instead, the internet is the game. Here’s how it works: two people place an equal bet in the pot (say, a dollar each). One player then takes a dictionary, closes his or her eyes, and randomly chooses a word by first flipping to any page and then pointing to an entry. The internet is then checked for an active webpage using that word as the URL. For example, if the word “microfeeder” is chosen, "www.microfeeder.com" is then entered in a web browser. If that address is valid (it turns out that the above URL is for a company selling some sort of large animal feeder), the player who picked the word wins the pot. Otherwise, the other player wins. For the next round, the role of word-chooser is switched.

Here are some other rules:

1) After picking a word, on agreement of both players, the size of the bet can be increased.

2) If a search page appears, the page is “under construction”, or it is obvious that the URL is being held for future use, that counts as a loss for the word-chooser.

3) Only “.com” addresses are valid, although other domains could be declared in-play by agreement of the players.

4) Obvious variations of a word, such a plural form or different tense for a verb, are valid.

5) If a site is password protected, or is x-rated, the losing player has to double the amount they added to the pot. For example, if the bet is $2, the loser has to pay an extra $2.

6) If the site is child pornography, both players split the legal costs after the FBI comes to investigate.

I should stress that this game is under development; any feedback is welcome.

Cheap Chinese food

For lunch today I had some General Tso’s Chicken; while eating, I started wondering about the story behind this ubiquitous American-Chinese dish. Is it really Chinese in origin? Who was General Tso, and did he like fried chicken kibbles in spicy-sour sauce? Is the brilliant orange color of the sauce obtained from uranium oxide, much like antique Fiesta Ware, or is it a lead-based glaze? I thought that this might be an opportunity to examine a bit of history and maybe even contribute something original to the collective knowledge of the web.
Well, it turns out that more than one person had the same idea. Not only is there a Wikipedia article on General Tso’s Chicken, someone has a dedicated web page highlighting the dish. Even the Washington Post has dedicated valuable page space to the topic. In turns out that everyone agrees that G.T.C. was “invented” in the 1970’s, but there are two competing theories as to who created it. I’m sure the debate would make for some lively discussion between the two sides; maybe my contribution to this area of study could be to organize an international symposium on faux Chinese cuisine (it would have to be international since they apparently also have the dish in Canada).

I'm now taking applications for a new fantasy TV love interest

At one time, when she was an anchor on “MTV News”, I had a big crush on Tabitha Soren. Not only was she cute, she seemed to be a smart cookie to boot. Then I saw her get wasted on “Celebrity Jeopardy!”; she didn’t just lose, she actually had a negative score at the end of the game, making her ineligible for Final Jeopardy.

Now I’ve completely soured on another TV celebrity…..Rachael Ray. Actually, I can’t say that I ever had a “crush” on her, it’s more like I’ve felt that I should, but wasn’t quite sure what I really thought. Over the last year or so, however, I’ve slowly become irritated at her (too many cookbooks, her own magazine, etc.). Now that I hear she’s getting her own daytime show, it’s over. Rachael, if you’re reading my blog, even if you someday get divorced, things just won’t work out between us. But if it makes you feel better, it’s not you, it’s me.

Procrastination

Tonight I was going to go to the Laundromat and do about 6 loads of laundry, but I just didn’t get around to going (although I did get everything sorted by color and wash temperature). Not having my own washer/dryer is a bit inconvenient at times, although at the Laundromat you get everything done in a few hours. Plus there is always an odd assortment of weirdos there. One time I saw this man who looked just like the Simpson's Comic Book Guy (large, with ponytail) throw someting in the trash, only to pause for several seconds as he obviously glanced something of interest in the barrel. He reached in, pulled out a black thong brief (or bikini? I couldn't tell), held it up light to better get an idea if it was something he wanted, and then carried it away as if if was the score of a lifetime.

I have enough clothes for tomorrow, but I’m going to have to wear uncomfortable underwear (those scratchy wool boxers…they give me hives every time I wear them). Also, I’ll have to pick out some clothes from the bottom of the barrel…..maybe my hobo costume, or a Burberry jogging outfit. (Work has a fairly loose dress code…as long as there is no “lack of appropriate undergarments” I’m OK).

Why I love the internet

I just ordered this movie.

5 things I think are overated that others may strongly disagree with

1) The band “KISS”. Sure, a few of their songs rocked, but other bands (e.g. AC/DC) rocked even harder. And their last album was horrible. I do have to admit that Gene Simmons is a master marketer, however, and I give him respect for that. I read a funny story today about how Al Franken kicked his ass at racquetball.

2) The art of Georgia O’Keefe. Although she was not without talent, I think much of her fame comes from her legend. Besides, I tire easily of vagina-flowers, and am not a big fan of southwestern art in general (although I won’t claim that all is bad, just much of it). My Georgia O’Keefe connection: she was from Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, the same place my family was from before moving to North Dakota. I have no proof (my great-grandfather being dead for 50 years now), but I’m fairly certain our families would’ve known each other (surprisingly, my family was fairly prominent in the area……don’t ask what happened).

3) Although the flavor is not bad, I can easily pass up watermelon. There are so many other types of melons worthy of our attention, although I’m often ridiculed when, at summer picnics, I try to organize a casaba-seed spitting contest. And those honeydews, they are oh-so succulent and juicy!

4) Breast augmentation surgery just doesn’t cut it in my book. It’s like the difference in artificial vanilla flavoring and real vanilla bean extract. Besides, size is only one of 23 physical breast characteristics recognized by the AMA…the American Man Association. And we won’t even mention what happens when a foreign object is placed in the body. But just because I’m not into fake breasts doesn’t mean I won’t reserve the right to someday get pec implants… I hear they’re necessary if you want to pursue a career as a male exotic dancer.

5) Vodka martinis, in addition to not being martinis (they’re a cocktail….only the cocktail made with gin and vermouth is a martini), are really lacking in any sort of interesting flavor. I’ll stand by my gin any day. There’s a gin called “Bafferts” that tries to appeal to vodka drinkers by being less-intensely flavored; I think that this should be illegal!

Wednesday night TV for the next 10 weeka

Tonight was the first episode of the new season of “Project Runway”, another of my guilty pleasures that often lead to harassment by friends and/or coworkers. It’s too early to say who I like the best/least, but there is one designer who I’d easily rate as the most annoying……..if you read his bio, he doesn’t seem too bad of a guy, but he is fairly cocky and has an accent that has a certain fakeness to it (I’ll admit it may be real, but it does seem cultivated to some degree).

One thing I was disappointed by was the previews of the show……I really thought there was going to be more drama (i.e. someone getting kicked off the show for reasons other than losing a challenge) than there was. Hopefully that’ll be coming up soon.

(I apologize for any cable TV references for those who do not have access to this greatest of American media forms).

Now “Star Trek: TNG” is on. I’m going to have to shift the title of “Most annoying ST:TNG” character from Deanna Troi to Wesley Crusher. I know I’m not alone on this, since eventually he became a bit player on the show.

Dinner anyone?

I’ve had a plan for a few years to cook a meal using only recipes from my “Liberace Cooks!” cookbook, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. Part of the problem is be that most of the people I’ve had over for dinner recently are younger, and may not find the same cultural significance to the meal that I would place on it.

The cookbook was published in 1970; I would say that many of the recipes are a bit more sophisticated than those found in something like a Betty Crockett cookbook (but still with plenty of “down home cooking”, and a few Polish recipes thrown in for good measure…..Liberace’s mother was Polish). Recipe examples include “Baked Stuffed Mostaccioli”, “Lobster Newburg”, and “Broiled Frankfurters”. Based on my reading of the contents, I would say that the flavors contained within the cookbook are a bit on the mild side for our “modern” tastes.

I bought my copy on eBay for something like $30-35, but I notice that someone has a copy for sale right now for $115, and that copy is missing the dust jacket! Of course mine still does….here’s a picture of the cover.




Notice the “Lover” apron that Liberace is wearing…very ironic in the context of his hidden ravenous appetite for young lads.

Killing time

I'm a bit under the weather tonight (I've felt sick since yesterday, and seriously thought about stayng home from work today) and not really feeling clever enough to write anything substantial. I've been playing around a bit with Google Earth...if you haven't downloaded this tool yet, you should. A great way to waste some time. You can find my apartment at

35°07'22.49" N 106°39'07.40" W

No stalkers please!

You can see a big green tarp that was spread out in my backyard (the tarp provided shade for my smoker apparatus that I used in making my own bacon).

Lobsters

This afternoon, while at the gym, I started reading “The Secret Life of Lobsters” by Trevor Corson. A fascinating read that includes the stories of Maine lobster fishermen and lobster scientists, as well as fascinating information about the biology of these creatures. If you don’t have time to read the book, check out Trevor Corson’s blog in which he discusses various lobster issues, including the recent decision by Whole Foods to stop carrying live lobsters (another example of that companies fake feel-good marketing….don’t get me started……if you don’t want to boil the lobster alive, you can quickly kill it with a knife before cooking, a death that is less cruel than the machine that Whole Food’s large non-sustainable fishing corporation supplier will use to process them....read the blog!).

Anyway, as an example of the interesting trivia found in that book, lobster molting is regulated by glands located in the animal’s eye stalks. If you cut off a lobster's eyes, it’ll shed it's shell.

This evening I was trying to find out if there are any slot machine tournaments coming up at any of the half dozen or so local Indian casinos. I didn’t find any…….I’ve been thinking for quite a while that signing up for one would be quite the cultural experience. Slot machines are already ridiculous without making them into a pointless competition. (As a related aside, the other day I saw that ESPN is now carrying professional Dominoes tournaments……they’ve already ruined Poker and Blackjack in the same way that “Girls gone Wild” makes naked women uninteresting, and so are stretching for any new content…..I’m sure high-stakes Monopoly is just around the corner).

Finally, next weekend I'm planning on making some cookies. I don't know what kind yet (maybe lobster), but if anyone wants a few drop me a line. and I'll send you some...let me know if there's any cookie ingredient that you can't eat.

Sausages and anteaters

Tonight I walked over to the grocery store to pick up a couple cans of Vienna Sausages for Sean, since his father-in-law’s tractor turned out to be a 1948 Ferguson (I bought Armour brand, because I hear they use only the finest quality mechanically separated chicken, beef anus by-products, and pork mucus gland extract). The sausages are packed in some sort of fluid…….although we didn’t specify how the sausages were to be served, I’m sure the “broth” would taste better warmed up. But it’s up to Sean how he’d like to eat the sausages; I have seen him shoot a glass of room-temperature chicken juice, so this is another area of expertise for him.

In the summer, my yard is even more useless than the rest of the year because of the large number of ant hills. This has got me thinking, would an anteater make a good pet? Going to the internet machine, I find this link that describes just such a situation. Anteaters aren’t too affectionate (apparently they can learn to tolerate humans, and like to have their head scratched), but that doesn’t matter since all I want is something to eat the ants, an activity that they are very good at. If they attack with their sharp claws, they can be dangerous, but otherwise they like to lick things with their sticky tongue. If people can keep boa constrictors as pets, you should be able to have an anteater (it seems that every year you hear about some weird snake guy getting killed by his overly-large constricting snake).

Speaking of pets and sausages, I talked to a friend today who bought a pet turtle a month ago. Apparently, she tried a number of foods for the turtle before she found something that it liked: barbequed sausage. I hope that she expands its diet before it gets some sort of sausage-related vitamin deficiency.

Yet more wagering

Last night I made another bet with Sean, and I’m afraid to say that I lost this one. The bet? Was “Mama’s Family” a 70’s or 80’s TV show? I swore that it was the former, but I didn’t realize that Sean had such extensive knowledge of this show, apparently from being a regular viewer (he also has the superhuman-like power of being able to identify the title and artist of any 80’s hair band song). Our wager…..a polish sausage from the hot dog guy downtown.

I did win another wager, though, with a visiting friend, about whether it was Benjamin Franklin or Thomas Jefferson who wanted to make the Turkey the national bird (of course it was Franklin).

A short visit to Arizona

(Note: this post written yesterday on the palne trip back from AZ)

Today I went and paid an afternoon visit to my grandmother in Arizona; she still has a man living out in back of her place that I call “Shed Guy”. I’m not sure how Shed Guy (aka “Dave”) ended up in her back yard, but he’s been there for several years now. He does odd jobs for my grandmother (she paid him something like $2.00/hour to paint her house, an amount she justified by saying that he never really worked that hard) and generally serves as an aggravating foil (she needs someone to get annoyed at); although he is a serious alcoholic (he’s not eligible to get his drivers license back until 2026), I don’t think my grandmother would be able to stay in her current house without him around (she’s almost 84, and in poor health).

The last time I visited, Shed Guy showed me how to find tarantulas. They live inside holes that are spread out all over the yard……I always thought that rodents lived in these burrows.

Here’s a photo of the shed.



And here are Shed Guy’s chickens. It’s surprising how four chickens can make the whole yard (including the front) smell bad.



And finally, Shed Guy himself, cursing up a storm while trying to fix the swamp cooler. He’s taught my grandmother a few new words recently……



My grandmother lives near two towns, Coolidge and Florence. Florence has a bit of old town charm, but is mostly known for the several prisons located on the edge of town. Incarceration is the main county industry. Today, as I usually do when in the area, I visited the prison craft outlet. It’s full of handcrafted leather wallets, beaded jewelry, and hand-painted (or sometimes just colored-in-the-lines) pictures of popular themes such as Disney characters or comic book heroes; this “art” is generally over-priced and crude at best. Maybe they need to charge $36 for a picture of Spider Man so they can cover their lawyer’s retainer for the inevitable copyright infringement suits. Although the picture frames decorated with pagan symbols and the oddly-proportioned hand-crocheted stuffed alligators looked especially appealing today, I didn’t buy anything (actually, I’ve never made a purchase there, but Christmas is creeping up on us……).

At the hardware store in Florence, I noticed a set of tools with a package labeled “Distributed in the USA” below a little American flag. That made me think: it’s bad enough that the screwdrivers were made in China, but it’d be horrible if they were also distributed over there and you had to fly overseas to buy them.

Coolidge really has no redeeming qualities. Think of the armpitiest town you’ve ever visited in the US: double the hairiness and you’ve got Coolidge. I had to go there today to pick up some cooler parts; the cooler shop was notable not only for not being cool inside (and thus probably being one of the more ironic places in the city), but also for selling Mary Kay cosmetics. For a company that prides itself on its image (think pink Cadillacs), Mary Kay doesn’t seem to have very high standards for their distributorships.

Back from Boston.

It’s been a few days since I’ve last posted, but I’ve been swamped with activities in Boston. I’m on the plane now, headed back to Phoenix (I’ll be visiting my Grandmother tomorrow before flying home to ABQ). I had a good time on my trip……nothing too crazy but definitely fun. Kerry’s 40th birthday party on Saturday night was a blast; although there were only about 20 people there, many guests came into town just for the event, including Sean I, Danielle and Sean II (the numbers referring to the chronological order of the Seans), Kerry’s mom, uncle (and uncle’s partner), and Jeff Anthis, in addition to myself. I forgot my flash card drive at home, so I can’t post pictures yet, but I will (although, as I’ve already mentioned, there was nothing crazy going on).

Every time I get together with my friends they remind me of things that happened to me or that I said that I have absolutely no memory of (not because of drunkenness, just because I spaced out I guess). For example, the other day Kerry mentioned how I was harassed by a waitress in a chicken pot pie restaurant in Anaheim, CA. The most famous case of one of my fugue-related memory lapses, however, involved the Circle K across the street from where I lived in Tucson. Apparently I made the claim at least once that I could be the ruler of that Circle K. I guess I could have, but we’ll never know since the store closed and became a generic mini-mart and if I’m going to rule over a convenience store I want to set my sights high.

This weekend I made three bets with friends; I’ve already won one, another I’m sure I’ll win, and the third I think I have a pretty good chance on. The first bet was with Danielle, and involved the ability of cats to taste sugar. I said cats can’t; since I was correct she owes me a sushi dinner. Jeff didn’t believe my item about Matt Damon playing Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movie, and so he’ll be sending me a bottle of good gin. Finally, Sean Madden made the claim that his father-in-law’s tractor was from the 1920’s; although I’ve never seen the tractor, I was skeptical of the age from Sean’s description and my knowledge of what antique tractors look like (last year my office calendar theme was antique tractors). I’m fairly confident that Sean will be eating a pound of canned Vienna sausages (including the juices), although I’ll admit that there is a chance that I’ll be eating a pound of coleslaw at once (this is a left-over from a previous dare that never was followed through). I must admit that I’m always surprised that people never learn that they shouldn’t tangle with me.

Arrival in Boston.

I had a plan to save $200 on my trip to Boston; I booked a cheap redeye flight on JetBlue from Phoenix, with a quick trip to Phoenix on Southwest. I arranged it so that my Southwest flight would get me to Arizona three hours early, plenty of time to catch the flight on the other airline. However, I didn’t anticipate the freak storm in ABQ that would delay my departure by three hours, causing me to miss the JetBlue flight (my plane was diverted to Amarillo for refueling after holding over ABQ for about 45 minutes while the airport was closed). I showed my resourcefulness as a traveler, however, and promptly rebooked my JetBlue flight to fly to JFK (the only later flight from Phoenix…it ended up leaving about 1 a.m.). I got into JFK about 9 a.m, took the subway to Penn station, and caught the Amtrak to Boston. So I made it, even if it took me 10 extra hours.

For dinner last night, I had shabu shabu with Jeff and Kerry.

Since there hasn’t been anything entertaining in this post, I’m including a photo of Cleo, Jeff and Kerry’s cat.

Tonight is the big party at the Silvertone. I'll try and have some good pictures posted tomorrow.....